My Girlfriend Thinks I Will Leave Her (Here's Exactly Why)Many men face the problem whereby their girlfriends are in a state of constant fear that they are going to dump them. This can result due to past trauma or communication issues. However, if you put in the work and seek couples therapy, it can be fixed in no time.
Does your girlfriend often ask you, "Do you really love me?" "Will you leave me?" "I am sure you are going to leave me!" While in the beginning, such innocent questions can sound cute, they can soon start feeling annoying. It might make you feel like you are not doing enough or that she is not truly happy. What is the reason behind this constant worry? Is it normal in a relationship? We are here to decode this today!
Reasons your girlfriend thinks you will leave her
It is a common complaint among men that no matter what they do, their girlfriends keep thinking they will leave them. Such constant doubt can often feel dismissive, and if you keep wondering in such scenarios whether you are doing enough for her, it can even damage your self-esteem.
In fact, you are not a bad person for feeling annoyed or upset when these questions are constantly posed to you. "Why does she not notice how much I love her? Does she not value the effort I put into the relationship?" These are all legitimate questions. Let’s take a look at some of the most common reasons why this might be happening.
#1 Commitment phobia
In simple terms, commitment phobia is the inability to think about a lifetime with the person that you love. Someone with commitment phobia is not able to give their hundred percent in a relationship because they think they will trap themselves in an unhappy situation from where eventually, they will be dumped and replaced by someone else.
Commitment phobia often originates after an individual goes through a traumatic relationship. Or it can originate in childhood if a child repeatedly sees one of their parents cheat on the other or both of them go through an upsetting divorce.
Commitment phobia changes the way relationships are viewed, and this might be the reason that your girlfriend keeps insisting that you don't actually love her and will be leaving her in the future. Such phobias originate from deep trauma, and sometimes seeking therapy is the only option.
#2 Holds different sets of values and beliefs
Differences in beliefs and viewpoints can contribute to creating trust issues. For example, if your girlfriend is someone with orthodox beliefs and you are not, or if you are far more outgoing than her, she might conclude that you would get bored of her in the future.
At the same time, if she is more reserved about life in general, she might just assume that you would not be very sincere about commitments just because of how you live your life. Many couples break up because they feel they are too different from each other.
But differences in opinion and belief can indeed make for an interesting dynamic in a relationship if they channel in a more constructive way. But for this to happen, you both need to communicate at a level where you will be able to trust each other regardless of the differences.
Insecurities often result from unrelated events and have long-lasting impacts on our lives. They make us believe that if we do not have certain features or skills as someone else, then we are not worthy of being loved or appreciated or thought of as being equal to other people.
But overall, insecurities make an individual think of themselves as ordinary or unlikeable. It reduces our self-confidence and makes us feel like we do not actually deserve the nice things that we have.
Again, insecurities are deep-rooted, and they cannot be removed that easily from our minds. But the good news is- insecurities do turn into strengths when people whom we love and who love us shower us with positive appreciation and affection. You can keep doing this earnestly until she picks up similar ways of thinking about herself.
#4 Emotional immaturity-inability to form real bonds
Emotional immunity often manifests as a lack of attention, superficial conversations, and a self-involved attitude. If you pay close attention, you will be able to discern whether your girlfriend is indeed emotionally immature or some situational demands are making her behave in such a way.
Someone who is truly emotionally immature will not be able to communicate with you on a profound level, even if they are provided with every situational benefit. In such a situation, your relationship with each other will not develop, and you will continue to have trust issues with each other.
Along with having trust issues, you will not be able to express your feelings for each other properly. Remember, in an emotionally immature relationship, it takes a lot of time to get used to the habits and beliefs of another person.
#5 Financial roadblocks
Finance is quite a practical aspect of starting a life together, and if there are financial roadblocks that are keeping you and your girlfriend apart, it very easily leads to concerns that the relationship will not last.
Financial roadblocks can be of many kinds. Either of you can be in debt, might have chosen a career path that would not be able to support the lifestyle you both want, or your financial background might have created a cultural difference between both of you that lead to arguments even when you try to avoid them.
No, not every woman who questions your financial capabilities for long-term relationships is a gold digger! Without a proper financial foundation, both of you cannot start a family and give yourselves and your children a comfortable life.
#6 Absence of trust
Many people assume that because they are in a relationship, they can expect unconditional trust from the other partner. However, the truth is that trust needs to be earned. Unconditioned love is the founding pillar of a relationship - but unfortunately, there is nothing called unconditioned trust.
When you first got to know your girlfriend, you observed her every action, and she observed yours. Between two healthy individuals, if there is a lack of trust, there is also a chance that one of them has either never given the other person a chance to trust them or has broken their trust through their past choices.
That being said, internal trust issues arising from abandonment and attachment issues are very common among people and not much talked about. If your girlfriend’s ex-partner broke her trust, she still might not have recovered from the feeling of betrayal. Or, she might have deep-rooted social adjustment problems resulting from her childhood. Note all of these tendencies are completely treatable, and they do not make your girlfriend an unlovable human being.
#7 You have future plans of shifting base
Is there a chance that your future with her is unsure because of geographical obstacles? Even if you both have truly committed to each other and the long distance of the future, switching from a real-life relationship to a virtual relationship can be challenging.
A lot of people, not just your girlfriend, believe in the old maxim 'Out of sight, out of mind.' She might believe that when she is no longer with you every day, you might find yourself getting friendly with another woman and developing feelings for her.
Anxiety about long-distance relationship management is a real thing and if you are planning to shift your base to some other place in the future, you both need to work on it from now to minimize the initial shock that your shifting will result in the dynamic between you both.
#8 Unfulfilled expectations
When your girlfriend tells you that she is unsure about your feelings for her because she has many unfulfilled expectations, the first reaction can often be one of disbelief and defensiveness.
When she says this, it might feel like a personal attack on all the efforts that you have put into the relationship. You might stop to think, "If this is how she feels about us, then there is nothing I can do to save this relationship."
Luckily, trust issues resulting from unfulfilled expectations are the easiest to fix as long as the expectations are realistic. In fact, one might also argue that when expectations are not completely met, having trust issues is natural. Why is this an easy situation to resolve?
Unfulfilled expectations are a relationship dynamic, not a mental thinking pattern. Relationship dynamics can be fixed without professional help, simply through loving activities and gestures. To fix relationship dynamics, two parties need to communicate and live up to each other's standards.
#9 Lack of communication
What do experts mean when they say lack of communication is the major reason why relationships break? Are they talking about fights and misunderstandings? Often, but not always.
When fights are not properly resolved, and feelings are not properly expressed by one or both people involved in a relationship, the depth and fulfillment associated with the relationship deteriorate. As a result, both parties end up feeling neglected and unloved.
When your girlfriend finds that you are not expressing your feelings to her often, she will naturally conclude that you are not interested in her.
Communication, however, does not have to be about both of you. As a matter of fact, your girlfriend expects you to open up to her about your personal life and tell her everything. She expects to become a part of your decisions, she wants to help you in difficult situations of your life, and she wants to be involved in most things you do.
#10 Comparison game
There’s no denying that comparisons are the mother of insecurity. Comparisons lead us to believe that there is a set standard or a 'proper way' of doing things, and only those who are biologically, psychologically, and socially oriented to live up to that unfair standard are the ideal catch in a relationship, and everyone else is inferior to them.
Honestly, comparisons are deadly in a relationship because they make your partner question whether you would always choose them over everyone else.
Avoid comparing your girlfriend to any other woman in your life - very much including your mother and sister - in such a way that she feels inferior to them. Also, avoid putting her in a situation where she feels uncomfortable, out of place, or looked down upon by your mother, sister, friends, colleagues, or neighbors.
Try your best to provide her with a safe environment where she can feel comfortable being herself and associating with others who generally admire her.
Identify the core issue- does she lack self-esteem?
Lack of self-esteem is not always the cause but is often also the result of breaking relationships. Firstly, hold an open conversation with her and yourself to determine whether her lack of trust in you is coming from her lack of trust in herself or is it that your relationship was never given the time and attention it needed to reach a level of security.
Low self-esteem can be a trait or a state issue. If it is a trait issue, you will notice that your girlfriend generally has a very limiting perception of herself and often wishes she was more like some other girl. If it is a state issue, however, it means your girlfriend is a strong and confident woman who is currently in a situation - financial or social - that is making her feel inferior and less than what she could be in an ideal world.
In both these cases, you can do your part and make sure your girlfriend feels special when she is with you. The very knowledge that she is loved and cared for will help boost her self-confidence and self-esteem.
How to stop your girlfriend from thinking you’ll leave her?
Let us get more specific about how you can make your girlfriend feel special and provide her reassurance of your love through your words and actions in everyday life.
#1 Spend some good time together
Not only must you spend some good time together, but you must ensure that this time is not interrupted by other appointments or commitments. This is the first step to making your girl feel valued and loved by showing that she is your first priority and you enjoy her company more than anything else in the world.
Similarly, by spending some uninterrupted quality time, you can increase the intimacy between you and your girlfriend, which will further strengthen the bond that you both share. This will make her believe that you are not going to leave her.
#2 Acknowledge and address her fears
Try not to get defensive or dismissive of fears when she tells you she thinks you are going to leave her. Assure her that you, too, value her presence in your life as much as she values yours and will never let her go. If she thinks she wants to spend more time with you and you don’t, it might make her worry.
Let her know the instances when you, too, worry about how life without her would be and how it is often impossible to imagine a world where she is not there. Furthermore, rather than simply assuring her of your love, ask her what is the best way to extinguish this fear. Acknowledge what triggers her anxiety. For example, if you going on trips without her spikes her fears, try to avoid it.
#3 Make commitments loud and clear
Some girls like grand gestures, while others like simple, intimate moments made special. But both of these instances have one thing in common - they see the effort that the boyfriend is putting into the relationship and how he is making his commitments clear not only to her but also to the whole wide world.
You know best what kind of gestures your girlfriend likes. Surprise her not once but often with your affection. Make sure you are taking into account her love language, and you remember the little things she has told you so that she indeed feels like you really pay attention to her.
#4 Be there when she needs you
We all have our bad days, and we need our partners by our side, especially on those days. Always be with her when she needs your presence, and let her know that you are ready to give up on any other appointment or commitment for her. If you cannot be physically there and even forget to text her, she will be utterly let down.
Of course, live up to this promise like a good partner and learn how to make your girlfriend feel better when she is in her worst mood. When you are around her, remember that people tend to get insecure when they are in difficult situations, so don't take her reactions personally.
#5 Show genuine interest in her life
Learn about your girlfriend as much as you can. Paying attention is an action in itself, and it is appreciated by most girls/women. There is nothing more comforting to a girl than knowing that her boyfriend genuinely likes everything she is, including her interests and eccentricities.
You can go one step ahead and organize dates where you both engage in an activity that brings joy to her. As an added benefit, you will notice that she is able to connect with you more in her favorite surroundings.
#6 Make special gestures for her
How are special gestures different from the usual sweet things that you must do for your girlfriend? Special gestures are once-in-a-lifetime events that make the most profound memories between a couple.
Girls naturally expect grand gestures from their boyfriends on important occasions like anniversaries and festivals. Another great time to celebrate your girlfriend is on Women's Day or her own birthday because why not! But the best special gestures are the ones that are grand for absolutely no reason - let her know that every day is ceremonious with her and there’s no way you’re going to leave!
7. Make sure that you’re honest with her
While you engage in all the above-mentioned activities, make it a point to always be honest and genuine about the verbal and nonverbal communication you are throwing at her. Don't promise her something you don't mean, and don't burden yourself with something that goes outside your boundaries.
Don't hide your feelings or difficulties from her in the guise of being a good boyfriend. Most importantly, don't try to pretend to be someone you are not- she will see through your pretense and will believe that you’re going to leave.
How can couple counseling help deal with your girlfriend’s insecurities?
Lastly, seek couples counseling to get the help of a professional who can introduce time-tested tools and activities to solve this issue in your relationship.
#1 Creating healthier communication lines
Healthier communication lines are created with the effort of both partners. On the one hand, while you learn to be better at communicating your genuine feelings to her and being expressive about your affections, she learns how to better deal with her fears when she is communicating with you.
For example, rather than saying, 'I am sure you are going to leave me,' she will perhaps learn to say, 'We have not been spending time lately, and I feel we both might grow apart.'
#2 Learning new skills and strategies to handle the difference
Psychology is a growing field, and it includes many well-researched skills and strategies, all of which can be customized to fit the situational and personality needs of individuals. While working with a counselor, you will learn simple tricks to increase the emotional intimacy in the relationship and introduce patterns of behavior that can help your relationship grow.
#3 Find solutions that you both agree with
Solutions in a relationship are always temporary because a relationship is constantly changing as the people within it change.
However, working with a counselor will help you come up with practical solutions to your subconscious problems that you can implement in your life in such a way that your partner will be ok with it. Further, differences can be mitigated while each solution goes through a controlled trial period under the supervision of the counselor.
#4 Rediscover your shared love and compassion
Psychologists and counselors are great at steering conversations in the right direction. Sometimes, when we think we need an external intervention, this is exactly what we are referring to.
Counselors/therapists can point out the superficial differences of the external world and point-blank ask couples to keep them aside and first focus on the shared love and compassion that they have for each other. With the correct strategies, a counselor can help you take this to the next level and develop your relationship.
In reality, a handful of insecurities are enough to completely destroy the beauty of a relationship between two people (along with, of course, redefining how we interact with our own selves). It can make both you and your girlfriend feel trapped, misunderstood, and exhausted.
Directly addressing the topic in a gentle and respectful manner can go a long way when it comes to managing your mutual emotions and reactions. Allowing each other freedom and space to be themselves is a lot more important than we think it is. Reassuring your girlfriend from time to time can help you both experience a happy relationship without any separation anxiety.