My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me to Focus on Herself (Here's Why)Your girlfriend was either never serious about you or too serious with you, but she felt that you weren’t treating her right. Hence, she broke up with you to get her space and work on things that will do her right.
There are two ways in which we initiate a relationship. It is either when we are too much in love with the person or when we are bored. In the former, we often associate high and unrealistic expectations from our partners which turn out to be disappointing. In the latter, they get bored of dating you as they were never serious about you in the first place and decide to move on.
In this blog post, I will help you figure out what it means when your girlfriend breaks up with you in the name of focusing on herself and what should you do about it. Keep reading to know more.
Reasons why your girlfriend breaks up with you to focus on herself
Your girlfriend might have felt that she was babysitting you if you have drunken habits and get too dependent on her. The girlfriend tends to take up the role of a mother in a romantic relationship. However, that takes away most of her time and she is unable to look after herself.
Continue reading below to know more such probable causes which have left your girlfriend in such a state of misery.
#1 She was never serious about you
There is always a chance that your girlfriend was never too serious about you. She was spending time with you because she could afford the leisure and had nothing better to do at that moment.
However, the test of love happens only with time.
As time passes, you get to see whether the person is interested in you, understands you and takes you for who you are, or tries to mold you into something that they would like you to be. Love won’t ask you to compromise your individuality.
If she is ready to beseech you for something personal, it means that she never considered you to be personal. You have always been an outsider to her. It is always wise to appropriate your position in a person’s life and fight for the right treatment if the need is rather than appropriating yourself to adjust in someone’s life.
#2 She is bored of you
Time tests all. The greatest challenge that both married and unmarried couples face these days is boredom. Everyone fears monotonous routines. Hence, merely being a part of the routine in the life of your partner is not enough. You need to keep adding spice to that routine. It is like those life skill classes we had back in school. Though the period and time were the same, there was always something new that the class would offer you.
The problem is that people don’t know how to prolong the excitement, work on it as if it is foreplay, and satiate the moment by keeping it with you even after it is over. It is not as difficult as it may sound. The trick is to not overhype things.
The moment you create hype about something in your life, your expectations from that something become unrealistic. You become more of a taker than a giver. You forget to draw lines so that the person is not getting so dependent on you that they are reduced to parasites in their eyes.
This might be the case with your girlfriend when she tells you that she needs time for focusing on herself. Mind it, she is not saying that she doesn’t love you or that she loves another but that you might have possibly played the role of sugar daddy in her life due to which she has lost all self-respect for herself.
#3 You haven’t reciprocated her love
If the love seemed to be more one-sided to your girlfriend, that is, it has always been her bunking the classes, staying up late at night, showing up at your door, going the extra mile to understand you, bearing your tantrums, maintaining a cordial relationship with your family, and more such things then you are losing a gem.
We all come with our limits. When we see that our affection and care are getting exploited, we start developing a sense of hatred for that person. Your girlfriend might not want to feel that sense of hatred for you. She is distancing herself beforehand.
If you are not capable of loving then don’t allow others to shower love on you. Loving is a courageous task. Your girlfriend is brave. She knows that unloving is a more difficult and tedious process than loving. She, thus, does not want to go that path. She has already endured a lot in the name of love.
#4 You took her for granted
If it was your love that started fading with time and you started failing to make any compromise for the sake of your girlfriend, she will lose her heart. It is heartbreaking to know that the ones we love would not have gone to that length for our sake in our time of need.
The epiphany that had the tables been turned, you would have found yourself staying stagnant on the land is worse than saddening. It leaves one with a pathetic feeling of loneliness and degrades one in their eyes.
While it gets difficult to love oneself at such a juxtaposition, the maturity lies in the understanding that this is where you need to pull yourself together rather than merely hanging aloof in your corner.
That is what might have inspired your girlfriend to make this call, the need to have her back and not give up. You can never love another justly unless you learn to love yourself abundantly.
#5 You are not ambitious
If your girlfriend is an ambitious woman, she would not be able to stand a laidback man in life. She will sniff a sloth from a far-off distance and will find it repulsive. It might have taken all the powers of the stars for your girlfriend to select you as her partner if you are a lethargic person.
Perhaps work on your plan.
Keep aside that start-up plan for now if it is not adding up. The ideas will hit you not when you are sitting alone doing nothing but when you brainstorm yourself with ideas, invite people over to discuss your plans, or work strenuously on something else parallelly so that the idea or the clarity strikes you like thunder and bring everything to light.
When you work on your success, even if your girlfriend breaks up with you right now, she will find her way back to you when you are a successful man. Don’t give up hope just yet. Life is a pretty landscape with many entrances and exits. There are always reverse and redo cards at your disposal if you know how to use them artistically.
#6 She considers you unlucky (if she is failing in her projects and her scorecard is deteriorating)
Losers don’t like to take the blame on themselves for the loss that they have either brought upon themselves or on others by their neglect. If you are dating a loser, she will fail to take or bear the consequences of her actions. She will instead try to reduce you to a scapegoat by pinning down the cause of all her failures on you.
These are the signs of toxicity and you should be grateful that she chose to leave. It prevented further damage. Besides, when you truly love a person, you desire their well-being. If they tell you that you have been coming in their way of achieving success, it is for the best to change your way.
Also, if your girlfriend specifically uses the word “unlucky” for you, try to ascertain for yourself how lucky has she proven to be for you. If she has been the lucky charm in your life, have you thanked her enough? From what we understand, a partner proves to be lucky when they help you in standing tall against all odds. They keep faith in you and help you to perform to the best of your abilities.
#7 She finds the relationship draining
The symptoms of a draining relationship are constant headaches, nausea, bitterness, anger, and fatigue. If you shout at your girlfriend, you are violent in your gestures, mind you, being violent does not always mean that you beat her down but if you destroy things in anger or snap the door, she will find the relationship draining.
If your girlfriend does not scream back at you but break into tears, if you come home drunk while she waits on you, if you flirt openly with women and they give her a condescending look or touch you inappropriately, it is a great deal that your girlfriend is not filing a case on you.
It is therefore important to practice introspection, to look within oneself before looking at others, if you are judgemental in nature, judge your words and actions first. The ruthless game will buy you nothing. Learn to balance things in life. When you make a mistake, apologize for it and refrain from committing it again.
#8 You prioritize yourself over her
If you have always been your man, in the sense that you never prioritize your girlfriend’s comfort or choices against your wishes, you don’t make a good man. The traits of a gentleman are kindness and love.
A gentleman will fix a situation at his cost. He won’t let a woman’s eyes well up. The woman in his life won’t see the need to express her desires because the man will do everything beforehand for her.
Try to give more importance to your girl than you do to yourself, she will make sure that you live a life of a blessed man. A woman holds such power that she will stand before all the storm that comes her way and you won’t even have to blink your eyes.
Love a woman with your all and she will love you splendidly in return. You will gather a new meaning from life. The journey of togetherness will be splendid for both of you. You will start considering it to be an honor when you can do things that makes your woman happy.
#9 You forget her birthday
When you don’t remember the special days in the life of your woman, it shows that you have not been devoted to her. The breach in your thoughts becomes evitable. While your woman would have come across as an understanding partner had you told her beforehand that you are working under constant pressure, she will not be her best self when you don’t give a warning beforehand or conceal your problems from her.
Remember, your partner has the right to be a part of your mishappenings and failures as much as that of joy and splendor. You cannot force her o be a part of one and not of the other merely because you want to show her that your life is perfect and all that you offer is among the best.
Your woman is not expecting to date a perfectionist or someone who knows how to play God. She understands what you mean to her and what she means to you. When she exposes the blunders that she has made in her life, she expects you to open up to her in the same way. Don’t be afraid to be human in your gestures, rather be scared when you come across as alien.
#10 You flirt with other women
If you flirt with other women in the presence or absence of your girlfriend and society mocks her to date you because you are not worthy of a virtuous woman, she will be in a state of shock and extreme disappointment with you.
When a girl trusts you blindly and someone else points out to her that she has been a fool to do so, it is demeaning and disheartening at the same time. Not only will she start disliking you but also find it difficult to trust another person in the future.
It is a human tendency to not understand the value of what life offers us naturally. We value things more when we obtain them on a battlefield. Hence, perhaps by losing your girlfriend you will understand the importance of not taking people for granted in your life.
Your richness is reflected in the people you can keep in your life. Your circle is a deliberate choice that you make. When you don’t do it right, you are doing more wrong to yourself than to others and you will realize it in the long run.
#11 You keep talking about your ex
Girls hate it when they find out that the guy they are dating is alarmingly obsessed with his ex. It suggests that you are yet not over her. The woman will start comparing herself with your ex. She will want to discover more about your ex. She will become paranoid about her natural abilities and lose confidence in her qualities.
The woman you are dating will be eager to see the photos of your ex. She will try to imagine what your ex looked like, walked like, what is it that attracted you to her, and why would you choose her after you have dated a person like your ex.
Her mind will be fuzzed up with fumbling thoughts that will keep her restless. She might also accept that she is not worthy enough for you. Hence, the decision to resign from a relationship that is not thriving or matching up to her expectations and go about working on herself instead in a way that her next boyfriend forgets all about that he had met or dated someone before meeting her current girlfriend.
#12 She cheated on you
If the woman is guilty of cheating on you and though she has not confessed it before you, she is aware that you already know. There is no point in continuing this relationship. The sustenance won’t be sustainable enough here.
There are certain checkpoints in the relationship when from time to time, you like to take out your checklist to see how your relationship is going and if you are performing well enough. If not, then they try to figure out what is going wrong and how it can be done better to fit the needs.
Breaking up and going in different ways is often a person’s last resource. You need to understand that both of you have invested your time, money, and energy to come this far. You don’t want to toss everything on a single bet. However, you don’t want to be mistreated even.
Hence, practicing the habit of setting certain ground rules that dictates the non-negotiables explicitly is important. Your partner and you have a close understanding with the right dose of transparency that makes them feel at home with you and never once in the entire journey do they feel like a stranger to you. That is the real deal.
#13 Her ex is back
If you always get a secretive vibe from your girlfriend in the sense that she never opened up readily with you, hesitated in sharing her location with you, if you still don’t know where is her home, or if you have not been to her home, she might have been treating you as a sidekick either for the duration when her ex is out of town or to make him jealous.
Perhaps her tactic proved to be fruitful and her ex is back in her life. She can’t go about explaining everything to you, therefore she has decided to turn her back on you in the name of something personal.
Perhaps ask her what she means by focusing on herself and how has your relationship been preventing her to do so. Breaking apart can not be the right aid. There have to be far better ways that prove that she needs her time while she can be with you simultaneously.
#14 She is switching cities
Perhaps your girlfriend is switching cities to endeavor her dreams. She knows that it will get difficult for both of you two to focus on your field. She thought it best to separate your ways so that it is easy in the long run.
Perhaps she also saw that she has become a distracting factor in your life. The choice might not have been selfish after all. She is your well-wisher. She wants you to prove your potential. Perhaps after a while, she might want to give this another chance.
She might invite you to live with her thereafter. Don’t lose hope yet. A prompt decision isn’t well-thought and is made in haste. Perhaps give her the silence treatment and see how she reacts to it or handles the situation.
#15 You are too distracting
If you are in a live-in mode, there might be some habits of yours that she faces a hard time coping with. It gets rather awkward to explain to a person why you can’t continue being with them after you have moved in together.
The decision was of course voluntary but the experience didn’t turn out to be what you had expected. You get uncomfortable with the idea of being with the person round the clock though that does not mean that you don’t love the person anymore or are trying to unlove that person.
If you snore, burp, or fart openly, or if you have any particular nasty habits such as picking your nose or taking too long in the washroom, she might find it to be an awful experience to be with you.
If you are too loud over call, or you cannot come to a mutually decided airconditioner temperature, or one of you like to keep the lights on at night whereas the other one likes to sleep in absolute darkness, you will not be able to deal with these properly unless you are matured enough to do so.
What to do when your girlfriend breaks up with you to focus on herself?
You might be caught up in the dilemma of whether to chase your girlfriend or not when she breaks up with you for an evasive reason. You think if it is worthwhile. It gets difficult to come to terms with your heart when it has fallen too passionately for it. However, worry not. I will help you in resolving the dilemma.
#1 Suggest an alternative
You can always suggest better alternatives for a breakup to your girlfriend unless both of you feel that the cause is something more than the overwhelming aspect of it. You are not merely drained by each other’s company but there is some other factor at play. This other factor could be that you cheated on each other or you have lost that affection and touch for each other.
If that is not the case, however, the only problem is that it has become draining or overwhelming, you can try meeting only on weekends, limiting Facetime, and not chatting a lot all day long. You don’t have to report everything you do to your girlfriend and you should not expect her to do all of it either. The other challenge that the couple might feel together is their level of comfortability with one another.
Say, either of you has a strong appetite for s*x while the one doesn’t. If for one of you, the turning-on factor is more emotional than visible, it will be difficult for you to cope. When you see each other after a long time, you don’t mind getting intimate, but when it is regular, the one less horny might take the other one to be a monster.
#2 Give her a temporary break
A breakup doesn’t have to be long-lasting. In most relationships, there is a constant on-and-off break going on. Though I don’t approve of such a thing because it lacks stability and breeds toxicity, if it works for you or keeps you happy, then you can try it.
Think of Ross and Rachel in this regard. They went on a break so many times together even when they had a child together. As illogical as it might sound, it is also realistic. People keep high expectations, and they get their hearts broken, but in the process, they get so dependent on the other person that they feel lost and vulnerable in their absence.
In such cases, it might work out for you to give the girl another chance or try your luck again after a while. A temporary break will heal fresh wounds. It will help you to focus on larger aspects. You must have met more people during the break. Conversations with them will either bring you new insights or help you in creating a better understanding of your ex. In the process, you will be able to respect them more.
#3 Be a good boyfriend
Perhaps try your luck by asking for another chance if she indeed means something to you and you cannot imagine getting past her. Do this only if you can see the mistakes committed by you and in your heart, you have taken the determination to become better.
You should feel the need that you want to give your girlfriend the best treatment that she deserves. It can be selfless or it can be because of the way she has made you feel. Who or what is a good boyfriend according to you?
Understand your girlfriend’s needs. She might want to have a more understanding and empathetic partner. She might want someone who is not only a good listener but also helps her in fixing the problem by forming ideas and plans that are concrete. Your feedback should have depth.
If your girlfriend is breaking up with you because her needs are more material than what you can provide, it is for the best to let her go. She makes the example of a shallow woman. You don’t want such someone in your life unless you have always been on the receiving end. When you receive something from someone learned o provide at the same time. As long as you can keep it a circle, things will be fine.
#4 Recreate memories
Recreating memories with your girlfriend after she has made up her mind to break up with you might be difficult but not impossible. You need to pick up a delicate memory from the initial stage of your timeline when everything was sweet and light.
Be ready to get disappointed as she might be moved by the recreation but remain firm in her decision. She might acknowledge that she realizes what she will miss yet she might understand the necessity to do so.
Besides, you need to understand your girlfriend’s mind here. If she is someone who throws air, she might mock you and call you desperate. But if she is someone who has found it very difficult to make the call and has not been able to face you since then, the chances are high that she will break down before you.
#5 Introspect to understand where you went wrong
Making desperate attempts to convince your girlfriend in changing her decision might turn out to be favorable but could lack longevity unless you introspect your actions, conduct, and behavior and figure out what went wrong and how. Understanding why your girlfriend faced such a crisis that she had to make this call is at the crux of the matter.
Has she been feeling left out lately? Is she being bullied? Is she under family pressure? Do you know much about her family background? Do you not only encourage and motivate her but also help her in getting better as a person in her domain and capacity? Is she under some kind of pressure from her ex? Are you not over your ex and is it possible that she might be in a dilemma that you think of your ex when you look at her? Have you ever by mistake called her by your ex’s name?
It is important to understand here that we learn from our past mistakes but that does not evolve her enough to hate those mistakes. Either of you might still have a soft corner for your ex. The situation is just that it did not work out well. You need to share that level of understanding, maturity, commitment, and transparency to not mind this stuff. There is a reason why giving nicknames or using endearing words to call your partner is so popular. It is to avoid breaking into fights due to a slip of name.
#6 Don’t repeat your mistakes
Even if you decide to break up with your girlfriend, don’t repeat your mistakes. That is the greatest lesson that you can learn from life. There has to be some reason why your girlfriend is making this call. It can be your attitude, the wall that you always keep yourself surrounded with.
If you maintain a secretive air around you which your girlfriend might find impenetrable, she might get annoyed with your behavior. Girls like to be treated nicely. The definition of special treatment for them is when you take them in your confidence. You don’t make them feel left out, and more importantly, they are the ones to whom you reveal all your secrets firsthand.
#7 Take some alone time
Perhaps you can use some alone time to clear your head before you give her a reply. Sadly, while committing is a mutual decision, breaking up in most cases isn't one. It takes place at the slightest inconvenience in a relationship felt by one of the partners.
Alone time could be going hiking, playing golf, painting, or doing something that frees your mind. It could be yoga or some form of life skill such as the one shown at the beginning and end of the movie The Intern.
It will help you think from different perspectives. You will find it easier to understand your partner's point of view. It will expand your thinking process. You will become more human and kind.
#8 Take her feedback as to how were you as a boyfriend
If she needs a break and wants to focus more on herself, it can be an acceptable proposal. You had good times together, you made memories and unless you were pregnant together or planning to start a family, there should not be much reason to get sentimental here.
You can instead use this opportunity to have a candid conversation with her where you can ask her about how you had performed as a boyfriend in all aspects.
This would mean asking her if there is something more that you can do to improve your skills. Ask her if there has been any kind of challenge that she faced while dating you. It will help you to improve your future dating scenes. If she asks for it, you can give candid feedback too about what you liked and did not like about her. Don't make it bitter as this might be the last conversation that will take place between you.
#9 Be a friend
Even when your girlfriend wants to break up with you, it doesn’t mean you need to stop talking to each other. You can always be a friend to her and she can be one to you if she is willing to. Friendship can never be harmful.
However, if she longs for a break, she would want to break the routine which involved you as a daily part of her life. Staying friendly with your ex is challenging because you try to avoid talking to each other at every inconvenience or dial them up to gossip.
You feel like doing it but you don’t do it because you feel that it will make you come across as desperate or needy. You want to play it brave and you want her to break the ice. Even if she does it, her gesture of calling you will inflate you with pride and there is always the risk that you will sound condescending over the call.
The ultimatum will be that neither of you does anything and perhaps someday you come across each other crossing the same path again or you are about to tie knots with someone else when you recall your ex and invite them to join you as well.
People who maintain great friendships between them after breakups can do it because of their field of interest. If you share the workspace or had worked on the same project together as investors then you cannot have bad terms with your ex. That time, whatever blow comes your way, you accept it with a smiling face.
#10 Be career oriented
Perhaps if your girlfriend is breaking up with you because you are not exercising up to your potential, it is time to be more career-oriented in life so that people don’t break up with you to find someone who is more ambitious.
Being career-oriented does not mean that you will have to come first class in your studies, if you want to pursue sports or music or you are taking up writing as your objective, take small steps at a time and go on about getting your way to it.
Your small achievements counts and the right one will celebrate all your major and minor achievements with you. The ones who get freak out in advance and cannot bear to be with you in your times of highs and lows are better to be left alone.
#11 Have patience
If you have always been a giver in the relationship, while your girlfriend has been on the receiving end without any contribution from her side, sit patiently and relax. Sooner or later, she will come back to you and tell you the real reason why she broke up with you.
She might even tell that it was a mistake. You will be shocked to see her eyes welling up. But whether she will want to stay with you or not, and if you should give her another chance to break your heart again or not will be your call to make.
If you were unable to get over her, perhaps you will be too eager to bag the opportunity. However, you must act with wisdom and think twice before standing there before her with your heart up your sleeve, making it convenient for her to treat you the way she pleases. To know more about how dumpers behave and do and to analyze if there is a pattern emerging, click on this link - When Do Dumpers Realize They Made A Mistake?
#12 Ghost her
If you are thinking of the things that you can do to make your ex curious about you and to push her to either check on you directly or ask your friends about you, the idea of ghosting her might come to your mind. You might think that it will leave a strong impression when you disappear from the virtual world and she might try to grasp every straw of information that she obtains about you.
However, I would like to break your delusion and inform you that that will not be the case. Your girlfriend or rather your ex will only be pleased that she did you for good and that now you will not be a bother to her. The trick will fail badly if she never loved you but used you for obtaining her ends. You will feel much more terrible than before but it sure will help you understand if your ex was ever serious about you. After all, curiosity kills the cat.
Confused, about whether to ghost your ex or not? Click on the link to figure it out - Disappearing After Being Dumped: Does It Make My Ex Curious?
#13 Be consistent in your attempts
If the woman had your heart, don't give up yet. Look at Jim from The Office, did he give up on Pam even though she was engaged to Roy? Though it was fiction, life can turn out to be that lucky for you as well. Don't lose hope too fast.
Keep sending her good wishes, positive affirmations, birthday notes, and reminders in a way that comes out with a tinge of affection but not so much that she feels you are getting attached again.
If she replies to you, she hasn't moved on yet. There is always a chance that if she doesn't haste into commitment, she will want to do it right this time and take slow and steady steps to make you a part of her life again.
I would say go with the flow but I will also tell you to be more thoughtful than you usually are when you take the steps. Make it a skill. Hustling is not always the answer. Sometimes, just taking it one at a time will do the magic.
#14 Share your photo after a break
If you feel your girlfriend was too hot for you, perhaps it is time to turn the table. Hit the gym, join some cardio sessions, enroll in some martial arts, and do your diet right.
When you focus on yourself and prepare your body right, girls will be attracted to you like a tide to moonlight. Share photos on social media after transforming. Make your ex drop her jaw at the sight.
Once she begins to drool for you, you will know that the ball is in your court. Play it right this time. Don't get obsessed with her and even if you are, don't let it show on your face.
#15 Ask her to meet up again
Once you have undergone the transformation and you can see that she is liking your posts on social media, commenting on your post, and perhaps bumping into you now and then on the streets, she wants you to ask her out.
When it is pretty obvious that she is hot and ready for you, perhaps would want to get laid too, ask her out but don't make it huge. Don't take it to be on the first night. Perhaps drive her home after the date but don't accept her offer to go inside for a cup of latte.
These small steps will go a long way in creating a good impression. She needs to feel you under her skin and to want you under her sheets. Let her get desperate for you. Let her beg for it. You might find it difficult but it will be rewarding in the long run.
#16 Give her the silent treatment
If nothing else works, give her the silent treatment. Do nothing. Don't post on social media, don't block her account, and don't make a public display of what you might be feeling.
Let her guess and make assumptions. Girls are gossipmongers. They like to know all the detailing even if that will buy them nothing. Sooner or later, your ex will be fed up with your silence and might either show up at your doorstep or dial your number.
This is the point where you realize that you don't want her in your life. She has displayed a lack of integrity in her character. You should not be moved because it has occurred to her that she can feel too. We all have hearts and it beats and hurts.
The point here is that you were hurt because of her. She owed you a better explanation than merely saying that she needs to focus on herself. There is more to this story than that and we both know it well.
#17 It’s time to move on
Standing in the same place for a long will make your knees weak. There are better alternatives to weaken your knees, switch to them.
No matter what history has been, don't stay stagnant in one place for long. Learning to move, learn and unlearn to relearn is important.
Move on with all your might. Stay positive. Just because you have been dumped doesn't mean that you have reached the end of the tunnel. It only suggests that the time has arrived to take a turn.
The best will come your way when you are not anticipating it. There is a reason that it is called the best. There is a lack of anticipation at play there.
Your expectations are grounded in reality. By now, you can tell the probable from the possible. It does you good as you are more dependent on yourself.
Life is a beautiful journey. It starts becoming ugly when we forget that it is a journey. We become desperate to cling to one particular station, one specific person, one particular aim. We become specific.
When your girlfriend tells you that she needs to break up for focusing on herself, she is affirming that journey. The journey of life is bigger than you and me. If anything, you should be glad that she is prioritizing herself and wanting to take out time to focus on things that will make her better as a person. At this point in life, she is the one in need to become better than you. It is okay to loosen your grip. It will only do you good.