My Husband Always Defends His Daughter (16 Tips & More)Your husband might find it hard to deal with you when you try to make a point, you are firm about it. He extends his feelings to his daughter and tries to imagine how difficult might it be for her to cope with your expectations. This gives him a defensive instinct in tone and action against you and makes you the monster in the picture.
Dealing with a defensive partner is often a challenge because the crux of a mature relationship is based on mutual understanding. When your partner becomes defensive, it shows a lack of respect for you and also symbolizes trust issues.
The case is further complicated when the partner is always defending his daughter. By doing so, you become the bad mother in the eyes of both his daughter and society. It can be quite a challenge to deal with such a situation. However, worry not!
In this blog post, I will help you understand why your partner is super defensive about his daughter and will use that to ameliorate the situation. Keep reading to know more.
Reasons why your husband always defends his daughter
More often than most, the tag of stepmother is juxtaposed with the tag of the bad mother. The fairy tales that the kids have been reading during their growing up years has embedded a fear in their heart and soul that tells them that if they have a step-relationship with someone, it cannot be nice.
There is a possibility that all the misjudgment and incomprehensiveness are occurring between you and your husband and his daughter because of such preset social notions. It becomes important to explain to them the need to break the stereotype and affirm better ways to operate as a family. But for doing that, we need to have in-depth knowledge of how such minds work.
Continue reading below to figure out why your husband might be so freaking out when it comes to his daughter.
#1 You don’t treat her right
If you are too unfair with your husband’s daughter, you don’t lend her money, don’t care for her or her belongings, don’t make her feel like a daughter, keep pressurizing her to behave as an adult, force her to secure a job, criticizes her choices and behavior before others, makes her do all the household chores, don’t buy her books, she will hold grudges against you.
No matter how much your husband loves you, he will always have a softer corner for his child. He will exercise prudence and be extra careful if you are the outsider in his home. Moving in together is always a big decision but it becomes all the more vital when one needs to deal with the tag of being “step-”
However, remember that he must have asked his daughter before deciding to extend you the invitation of moving in together. This would mean that he values his daughter’s opinion. Always know beforehand and do your bit of research to know what you are dealing with. Having an awareness of his daughter’s likes and dislikes, and trying to get in her good books to have a nice domestic blissful environment should rank top under priorities in your to-do list.
#2 He is too emotional
If your husband is an overtly emotional fellow, he will get easily swayed by people and mind their little deeds and words. When his daughter comes complaining to him about you, he likes to hear her out. The stock of words that she might put to use must be such that takes an emotional turmoil over him.
You need to understand that your husband’s daughter knows your husband more than you do. She is controlling him with the right pack of words. The problem occurs when you understand this and get more pissed off against the duo.
In such a scenario, you cannot afford to lose your calm. If we all lose it at once then how will the resolvent occur? You should instead address his daughter in front of him and ask her what challenges she is facing in coping with you. You can further ask for suggestions in which you can meet her at least halfway to mend the situation.
#3 You are too strict and rude
If you like to play the police and watch every action of your husband’s daughter as if spying on her, she will certainly lose her calm. You should instead try to help her in the enhancement of her experiences by guiding her towards filtering better inputs.
If your profession is such that keeps your third eye activated or if you are too impulsive as a person, you need to find a different outlet for your anger. You need to promise yourself to not spoil the relationship between her and you.
You can afford to be snappy with people who love you so much that they will forgive you but not with the ones who are trying to adjust their behavior with you. If the situation becomes difficult for them, they will not approve of it by accepting it as a challenge but become fidgety, upfront, and rude with you.
#4 He doesn’t share your values
You face challenges in the relationship when things are not planned and discussed beforehand. If your husband doesn’t share your values then fights and disagreements will become a daily thing. Hence it is important to understand each other first.
You should know your husband’s priorities, preferences, likes, and dislikes, and he should be well-acquainted with yours. Both of you should know what are the things without which you cannot make it together.
You must set certain ground rules which would mean that things under those rules are not to be broken lest it becomes a deal breaker. Although you will realize that when you hand over a rule book to people, their desire of wanting to break it becomes stronger and they have to consciously keep fighting the battle. But that is how they show their faithfulness to you.
Think of it like this, every cabinet minister wants to become the Prime Minister and has the access to confidential documents but they don’t misuse the information because they have selected their representative and now, they want to do nothing more than stay faithful to them.
#5 He does not want his daughter to become like you
Your husband might love you and yet not like you. Such are the complexities in human nature and understanding. He fears that if his daughter is left under your influence, she will catch your habits and you will spoil her.
This happens when your husband is not only taking care of his part of the work but also the domestic chore in general and sometimes managing your stuff too. You are either so workaholic or so full of yourself that at large you come across as a neglectful personality.
Your husband does not want his daughter to become as carefree as you. Perhaps you married this man because you found things comfortable with him. This is because he not only shared the load equally but most of the time did most of it for you.
Your husband wants his daughter to be more down to earth rather than flying high on the rainbow of the new woman. He might not show it but he does not like empowered women as much as he likes women who are grounded. Perhaps gift him some good books on feminism to read and ask his views on it to get clarity.
#6 She is manipulative
Your husband’s daughter might know how to manipulate her father to get her way done easily. She might play the stepdaughter card or use her mother as an example to take a better hold of the situation. This would mean that she has a toxic personality and needs a change in her environment for making her realize that.
You cannot push her towards change. That will only happen when she realizes that she couldn’t have been more wrong in the given case. If you are failing to adjust with her, so will her friends if she has the right group, if not, they will let her down and that is when she will understand her fault.
You need to understand that many times it is the peer pressure that exploits a person and makes them do things that they wouldn’t have done had they been in the right set of mind. Our identity and behavior are molded by the people we keep and the stuff we are into.
You must allow yourself time not only to understand the ways of your husband’s daughter but also to find a way to come around with her friends. After all, it is her friends who feed her brain with thoughts regarding a stepmother. Hence, if you are in their good books, you will automatically level up in your husband’s daughter’s good books.
#7 She is the souvenir of his ex-wife
Your husband is slightly more attached to his daughter because she is the only remembrance of his ex-wife. If he loved her wholeheartedly and she passed away suddenly, it must have taken a toll on his health.
He misses his wife and wants to preserve all the qualities that he had seen in his ex-wife in his daughter. You need to understand that living under the same roof with them is like gathering grapes from thistles. It is all bitter and sour. Anything you say or do might stink and be found to be poignant. You need to be extremely patient and take the time to change their nature. Once they realize that you come not as a foe but as a dear friend, they will be fine.
This happens when your husband did not marry you willingly but out of societal pressure. The same might hold for you. The case is worse when both of you are divorcees. Take your time, do your bit, and stay noble at heart and deeds.
#8 He is not fond of your kids
The case becomes worse when your husband bifurcates between his kids and yours. He is setting a bad example as a father by practicing favoritism. You need to have an open-hearted conversation with him regarding this lest it will spoil all ties.
Your husband might not be doing it deliberately, he might be unconscious of it. The words and actions fail to match in his case. It might be because he hasn’t yet regarded your kids as his. He thinks of them as outsiders and if he doesn’t like them, he might think of you as a bad mother.
Your kids' behavior is going to create a strong impact on your husband’s behavior. He might be scrutinizing their actions and analyzing their habits. Someday, he might even blurt out that he does not want his daughter to be brought up the way you have brought up your kids.
If you have sons, he might think of them as roguish, uncivilized, or unpolished. Hence, first move to a live-in mode with the guy you are planning to take as your husband if this is your second marriage.
Now that it is too late for that, there is a lot on your plate and you might find that overwhelming. However, this is a voluntary choice that all of you have made, so they all will sense the pain that you might be undergoing at their cost and will figure out a way to come around. Don’t lose hope yet.
#9 He thinks his daughter needs him more
If you are a strong independent woman but your husband's daughter has just begun her sophomore year, he might be mature in understanding that his daughter is in her peak years to act disobediently like any other kid of her age.
Hence, she must not be punished but given more love to make her a better person. As such, your influence in the house might have a positive impact when she sees you battling for your points. Your husband might be using you to set her an example without directly telling you this.
Having a mindful conversation with your husband to understand his perspective will help you to stay prepared and not get caught off guard by sudden disobedience. You will know what is expected of you and it won't be as difficult as it may seem at first sight.
However, if you have been facing this problem with your husband more than once, click on the link to understand more - My Husband Defends Everyone but Me [Here's Why].
#10 Your husband is mean
You might have married a man who is greedy and means. He uses you when he needs you and disregards you when his end is achieved. This might be in bed or when he needs money. He might be draining your resources and bringing you a bad name.
If her is also violent and loud, if he has anger issues and he breaks or damages things when his end is not achieved, you are risking your safety by being with him. It might have become too late for counseling and you must immediately involve your family as well as file a police report if need be.
Today, he is defending his daughter by creating a battle between both of you, tomorrow he might stand against his daughter when you are out of the way. Such people are not communal and should be dealt with extreme politeness and love. Small things will trigger him. If he has a license for a weapon, it can be very risky for everyone involved.
Moreover, these are the initial symptoms of someone who has the potential for abuse. It might be due to his past or childhood experiences. Learn more about it here - My Husband Ignores Me Unless He Wants Something.
What to do when your husband defends his daughter?
Don’t show disapproval at once. Allow him to make his point. Accept it in front of the daughter and reiterate your point by shifting the light to a newer perspective.
How to do that? Read below to find out.
#1 Explain to him it is no big deal
What is the need to fuss about petty issues when you intend to thrive under the same roof? Talk about it with your husband either before his daughter or in private. They must know and understand that you are trying to accommodate yourself here. You don’t have any ill intentions against either of the duo. Treating you like a devil won’t help here.
A mindful conversation can take you a long way in making the situation better. Hear what they have to say. Observe their reactions to your mature counter with preciseness. See if their reaction is to make you feel at home or to look down upon you. It will help you decide whether they are your people or not.
#2 Ask his help with adjustment
Talk to him about how you are the outsider here and how the situation gets worse when his daughter and he puts up a fight. It shows that they don’t intend to make you feel at home. Ask him if had he been in your shoes, how would he have handled the situation?
It is an important question and it will make him think hard. It will take him two minutes before he makes a reply to you. This is a vital step towards teaching him and his daughter the importance of being empathetic. What they are doing right now is judging you without context. When you put forward the right set of questions, they would be able to get a grasp of the situation rather than deal with it off-handedly.
#3 Talk to them about his ex-wife
If this is your second marriage or if you came into this household as the second wife, if the family had a major loss, the woman, your husband’s first wife was well respected by everyone, they would find it very difficult to value you the same way. In such a case, getting to learn about her and taking the pros from her character will make it easy for you.
Try to imply the attributes and touch that they miss the most about her in the household. Although you won’t be able to replicate everything, you will get a hang of how things were kept for so long in the domestic environment and once the members see and realize what you are doing, they will be more than glad to help you out.
In some cases, this will be more than a challenge because people might get offended and think that you are trying to replace the first wife. That is where you need to handle the situation with calm and patience. You need to keep trying till the moment they see that you mean no harm and appreciate your intentions.
#4 Make his daughter your confidante
Become good friends with your husband’s daughter by sipping wine and discussing your days of reminiscence. Share sweet memories with her and engage her in becoming a part of the experience. Say the time when you went wine tasting for the first time, and take her to the vineyards.
Your motive is to be her friend. Tell her upfront that you are neither trying to replace her mother nor become one. You are open to becoming friends if she feels fine with it since you will be sharing the same space. Make her see how she can benefit from your proposal more than you. Give her the upper hand in making decisions.
When she takes the call of her personal life and the household, she will start feeling more important and won’t find it offensive to ask you for help. She will think that she is ordering you around but in the process, you will be informed about everything that takes place without the need for spying and you will be in a better situation to handle the tasks because you won’t have to fight a battle.
#5 Help her dress like her mother
The greatest pleasure for a lost child is to be able to look like her mother. When you make arrangements for the same, she will be assured that you are not trying to replace her place. It will show how you don’t get intimidated by the past or by her mother’s presence but approve of it.
As the woman of the house, you must make a positive environment where each one of you can co-dependently exist under the same roof. Animosity in the household is the greatest curse. You can write it on beautiful paper and stick it in the living room or you can make your actions such that it is planted in everyone’s hearts.
#6 Teach her some like skill lesson
Spend some mother-daughter time with your husband’s daughter. You can provide her with culinary classes, and teach her baking or sewing. You can help her in arranging her wardrobe by segregating clothes according to her needs and requirements.
You can take her shopping, show her your childhood photos, take her to bookstores, share your favorite books with her, or offer her the to become a member of your book club. All these little things will go a long way to make the journey of this new relationship beautiful. Your husband will be watching and would know by heart why he chose you as his wife. Make him proud by doing it right.
#7 Help her pick a boyfriend
You need to find a way to keep your husband’s daughter so busy and occupied that she doesn’t get time for household pettiness. Moreover, this thing that keeps her busy should also bring her happiness. If she is annoyed, she will find different ways to let go of her bottled-up temper.
If your husband’s daughter isn’t dating somebody, perhaps you should help her in finding a date. If she won’t approve of your help, make the arrangement directly by keeping it a privy between you and the guy. If she falls for him, she will be happy and busy, and your problem on that front will be sorted.
If she already has a boyfriend and the discord between them has caused the girl to mess with your relationship, you can help her by finding a hobby. This could be interior designing, pot making, or sketching. Make it such that she performs it in a group. It will widen her scope to meet new people and find someone better than her boyfriend.
When she finds the right person, she will be in love with you for helping her clear the mess. Your husband will be grateful to you for sorting things that he wasn’t able to control or do himself. Next time when you get into a fight, it will be your husband’s daughter who shall have your back.
#8 Encourage her in opening up to you
Your husband’s daughter might have unnecessary animosity against you for predictable reasons. She might feel that with your presence, everything in her home will change. She is looking at you as a threat.
Show her that you are an eager and patient listener and that her secret is safe with you. Give her tips for solving her problems. Show her how to address the problems in order. Help her to figure out the priorities. Life is not that difficult, hold her hands and prove it.
It is not an overnight task. You will have to exercise with utmost patience. However, when you reach there, your husband will be at peace when he sees you both gelling well.
#9 Be more liberal
Rather than being firm and harsh, grant your husband’s daughter more space to adjust. You need to understand that she thinks that you are contaminating her domestic environment. You need to help her realize that you are doing the reverse by improving it and making it healthier.
However, the trick is to employ indirect methods to do this. She must not see what you are doing else she will become more stubborn and stringent to handle. Reward yourself every time you gain success to encourage yourself in trying further. Perseverance can get a man anywhere.
#10 Rewrite the Cinderella tale for your daughter
Be a kind woman. Show her that all the bad names given to a step relationship are a myth. Ask her for help in breaking the stereotypes. Do whatever it takes to win her heart. Regulating her behavior should not be your priority right now.
First, you need to win her heart so that she allows you to play the role of authority in her life. You can’t take it voluntarily. It needs to be given to you. Share your wardrobe, and buy her fine clothes. Be the kind mother that Cinderella never had.
Perhaps make her a scrapbook. Take pictures and paste them there. Ask everyone she holds close to narrate some special memory and write a few lines on what they like about her. When she sees that she is looked up to by so many people, she will shed the bitterness and try to become a better person.
#11 Don’t prioritize your kids
Try not to prioritize your kids all the time when you want your marriage to work. It might be difficult if your kids are younger but you must be unbiased in your treatment between your husband’s daughter and yours. Put on such challenges before them that they have to learn to work together.
Your motherly heart might stink hard to see the kids working and fighting at a problem, but trust their hearts and believe in their capabilities, kids always find a way to friendship. They will too.
Once you stop thinking of her as your husband’s daughter and start thinking of her as your daughter, you will see the difference in your behavior and will be surprised by it. This will help you to endure her more patiently.
#12 Explain the social taboo theory
Have a heartful conversation with your husband’s daughter and tell her how you both can ameliorate the situation by breaking the social stereotypes and showing how having a stepmother is not taboo.
When you give issues a social cause, youngsters are fueled up with new enthusiasm. Their young minds are channelized towards a direction that brings them vigor. They break the stereotypes and move greatly towards achieving something higher. This something is more than what they are.
They love to dedicate their lives to a purpose and they don’t think twice before walking miles to achieve the end. Use child psychology to understand how it all works. Once you master the skill, even if your husband’s daughter is a grown-up adult, you will be able to relate to the situation and get an upper hand in such a way that enables both of you to acknowledge each other better.
#13 Take family tours
Rather than spending time with your husband alone, encourage booking tickets for all and have the family experience to better accommodate yourself in the circle.
A family trip can do you all good. A change in the environment will enable you to think more clearly. You will be at ease as you will get a break from the domestic chores.
All of you will be breathing fresh air, and making memories. Moreover, you will come across other families onboard. You will get an opportunity to interact with new people and compare yourself with others.
The kids will also understand how family functions. Perhaps they have been without a mother for so long that they are scared to lose their liberty. When you sit with them, drink wine, laugh, and dance, they are sure to come out of their shells.
There will be moments when they are facing difficulty in gelling up with their dad. After all, no one is perfect. That is when you play an important part in the picture. Such voyages will do you all good.
#14 Don’t play it grand
Celebrate your husband’s daughter’s special occasions by doing something sweet and customized. Using money to throw a grand expression might fail.
But when you give a personal touch to the presentations, they are appreciated. Even if she doesn't like you, she might fall for your work.
Once you can put a smile on her face, you all will be in a win-win situation. The important part to understand here is that we all are on the same board. If we thrive, we celebrate together, if we fail, we all suffer from that loss.
#15 Get cozier with your husband
Keeping your husband happy in bed has its advantages. It will keep domestic life easy. Hence, get cozier with him in bed. Keep him warm up and excited.
The blood should flow nicely in all directions. Now and then do something naughty to tease him. It will make him look forward to spending time alone with you. When he does that, even if he is disrupted by some trivial issue, he won't bother.
He might even suggest his daughter sort her problems with you between each other like adults and request her to not drag him into the mess created solely by either of you.
That way, he will be unbiased and the daughter will have no option but to open up to you. When she approaches you, be nice and pleasant to her. Smell good. Your smell can have a strong impact on swaying the mood and doing it all right.
#16 Get counseling
If you have anger issues and yoga and meditation have failed to work, try counseling. You can go along with your family if you feel that each one of you can use some help or start it all alone. Once you see the change in you, it will enable you to cope with or find a nicer way to alter and intimate the challenges that you are facing in your home.
A counselor will help you understand where the hiccups are taking place and what is causing them. You will learn to master the skills of household management and would be able to function better in all situations.
A man becomes desperate when he is torn between relations. He does whatever he deems right that way. Sometimes it is done to keep the promises he had made, other times because he felt that was the right thing to do. If your husband is defending his daughter, ask him confidentially what makes him do it.
Before asking him to put himself in your shoes, do it the other way and answer yourself if you would have done something different. Perhaps not. The character of a parent is stronger than that of a partner and when the boats are sinking, you know that even you would save your blood first before saving another.