My Boyfriend Experimented With a Man (Here's How to Deal With)If your boyfriend has experimented with a man, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you anymore. Maybe he has always been a bi-sexual but afraid to disclose his sexual phenomenon. The taboo around bi-sexuality is still very much prevalent in society. But he might be lying as well.
When we are in a committed relationship with someone, we automatically have certain expectations from them. We expect them to love, care for us, respect, and be loyal to us. We trust our partners, and unless it is an open relationship, we expect that we will be the only intimate partners they will have while we are together. But what happens when things take a completely unexpected route?
You are in a committed relationship with the love of your life. You thought that everything was going great. But one day, he sits you down and tells you that he wants to experiment with men or that he has already experimented with a man. You are shocked and do not know how to react. Should you feel betrayed? Should you accept him without any questions and let things be? Or should you take a break? And what does this mean for your relationship?
If your boyfriend has experimented with a man or wants to, how should you handle yourself and the situation? The most important thing in that situation is to take enough time to digest the news completely, think about things, try to see things from your boyfriend's perspective, and take into account what you want from the relationship.
But first things first, you need to understand the situation. In this blog, I will show you the path you need to explore in such a confused state of mind. So, let's explore deep into this weird phenomenon of your boyfriend that you recently encountered with. But at this very beginning, I would like to request you to read the entire blog thoroughly, ensuring that you don't miss any specific point that might be the 'thing' for your situation.
Why he experimented with a man?
You have been together with your boyfriend for a long time, and he never told you that he was interested in men or that he's bisexual. Then why did he experiment with a man all of a sudden?
I understand that you're going crazy in mind, and your impatience is very natural in such situations for taking some immediate action. But before that, unless you don't know the reason why he has done this, you might end up taking the wrong step.
Always remember, your action should depend on the reason behind his tendencies, not what he has done. So, let's focus on exploring the possibilities.
#1 He is lying and wants to see your reaction
Maybe your boyfriend is just joking about having experimented with a man. Maybe he just wants to pull a prank on you and annoy you. He may think of this as just a harmless little prank. Once he is satisfied with your reaction or bored, he may tell you that he was lying and didn't mean it.
It may also be that your boyfriend wants to experiment with men but is scared to tell you about it. So, he is lying to you, saying he has already experimented with a man. He wants to see your reaction and know your views while having the option to tell you it was all a joke if you reacted negatively.
If your boyfriend is someone who likes to joke around a lot or pulls a lot of pranks, this may be the case. It may also be true if you feel as if he is hiding something and just wants to see your reaction.
#2 He is curious about men
We, as human beings, are always changing and always discovering new things about ourselves. Your boyfriend may be getting curious about men. He may not be attracted to them sexually or romantically but just wants to explore being with a man and see how he feels about it.
Maybe he was in a bar, and a guy approached him. Maybe the guy flirted, and he went along with it. Or maybe his friends took him to a gay club and encouraged him to try new things. It may also be that he was curious and wanted to get physically intimate with a man, so he went ahead and tried it.
It is possible that your boyfriend experimented with a man only to satisfy his curiosity.
#3 He is discovering his sexuality
Many people discover their sexuality or at least come to terms with it much later in their lives. Your boyfriend may be finally realizing that he is interested in men and likes men romantically as well as sexually. He may have tried to deny it or ignore his feelings in the past until he couldn't anymore.
Maybe he had no intention of doing it, but one thing led to another, and he ended up engaging in sexual activities with a man. Or maybe he did want to try it and explore his desires. He may finally be realizing that he is bisexual.
Another thing to note in this situation is that many gay men first come out as bisexual. That is because most of us have grown up thinking heterosexuality is the norm and the way to be. Many people get into heterosexual relationships initially, and then, with time, they start exploring themselves.
Such people often come out as bisexuals first before realizing they are homosexuals. This does not mean that your boyfriend is gay and not bisexual, but there is a possibility.
#4 He has been doing this for a long time, but only now has he gotten the courage to tell you
Maybe your boyfriend has been engaging in sexual activities with men for a long time. Maybe he didn't tell you all this while because he lacked the courage to do so.
Finally, he has the courage to face it, so he is telling you that he has experimented with a man. He may not tell you the entire truth and try to make it look like it was the first time he ever did it.
If you have always felt that your boyfriend has a thing for men or have found his behavior unexplainable at times, this may be the case.
What should you do next?
So, your boyfriend experimented with a man. Now, what? What should you do next? How should you handle the situation?
#1 Take your time to think about everything
Take your time. Take time to think about everything. There is no need to hurry. The news of your boyfriend getting physically intimate with another man may be a lot to digest, and it is better for you first to calm down and let your mind settle before trying to figure things out.
You may need to put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes and see things from his perspective. Maybe he is finally coming to terms with his sexuality, and in that case, it would be good to try to understand him instead of saying hurtful things that may make him want to hide his real self.
You also need to think clearly and see how this situation may affect your relationship in the future. His actions may very hurt you. You may even be feeling betrayed. Take time to understand your own feelings.
#2 Talk to him
Once you have calmed down, it is best to talk to your boyfriend and discuss the situation. You may have a hundred questions, and it is better for you to make things clear instead of keeping things inside. You may ask him why he did so. You may ask him what he wants to do about this relationship that you both share.
You may share your feelings and how the situation has affected you. Share your thoughts, worries, and concerns with him and listen to what he has to say. Give him a chance to come clean and explain what is going on with him.
Also, as painful as it may be for you, if you see that he is finally coming out and needs acceptance and support, it may be a good thing to assure him that you understand him. But if you cannot, it is okay. You have the right to feel the way you may be feeling.
#3 What do you want?
Once you have talked to him and understood the situation, you need to have a clear conversation with yourself. You may understand your boyfriend and respect his choices, but that does not mean that you have to do everything the way he wants. You may respect his choices and still choose to walk away from the relationship, or you may set clear boundaries in the relationship.
What does it mean for your relationship if you choose to stay with him and allow him to explore his desires? Are you going to be okay with it? Try to understand yourself and decide what you want to do.
#4 If you choose to accept things as they are, set clear boundaries
Your boyfriend says that it was a one-time thing and he wouldn't repeat it again. Or maybe he explains his desires and wants to explore his sexuality while still being together with you. If you accept the situation as it is and choose to be with him while allowing him to experiment with men, you may need to set some boundaries.
What are some things you wouldn't allow? Maybe you don't want him to hook up with people you both know. Maybe you don't want him to do certain things. Maybe you don't want him to bring his male partners over to your house. If he wants you to participate in his act and you do not want to, be clear and direct about it.
Privacy may also become a concern in such situations. Do you want him to tell you about his experiences with others? Do you want him to tell his other partners about his issues with you? How much of what is allowed needs to be discussed.
#5 If you are confused, and so is he, take a break
You love your boyfriend, but no matter how hard you try, you are unable to wrap your head around this situation. You want to be with him, but your emotions are not stable, and you do not know what to do. You do not want to be with him while he is hooking up with others. Your boyfriend is confused as well. He wants to be with you, but he also wants to explore his sexuality.
If this is the case, you may choose to take a break from the relationship. You may choose to separate for the time being and allow him to explore himself and his desires. This will save you from the pain of watching the person you are committed to hooking up with others. In the meantime, you may also choose to explore your own desires too. After exploring yourselves, if you both wish to get back together, you may. Or you may choose to end things and move on.
#6 If you cannot accept it, let him go
Maybe you can not accept the fact that your boyfriend engaged in sexual acts with someone else, even if it was for a single time. Maybe you can let it go, but he wants to continue exploring these things, and you can not tolerate it.
It is not easy for a person to accept it if his significant other hooks up with other people. If you find it impossible to accept it and there is no way the relationship would go back to normal, it is best to break up and let him go. If you feel cheated on and betrayed, your feelings are valid. You may understand his situation and still feel the pain of betrayal. Do not judge yourself for it.
Things to you need to discuss with him
While you are talking to your boyfriend about the situation, you may discuss these things with him. These things will help you understand what he wants as well as decide what you want.
#1 Whether it is a man or a woman, it is still cheating!
When you are in a committed relationship with someone and you hook up with another person without the prior approval of your partner, it is considered cheating. Whether you hooked up with a man or a woman does not matter.
It is cheating if your boyfriend tells you about his actions after engaging in such activities. This fact does not change just because it was with a guy. You should discuss this with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about it. If it has made you feel hurt, cheated on, and betrayed, you have every right to tell him about it. Even if he wanted to experiment with a man, he should have discussed it with you beforehand and come to a mutual decision.
#2 What is going on with him?
What is going on with him? What he's feeling and experiencing? Assure him that you would listen to him and make him feel comfortable. He may be going through a lot if he is just beginning to realize his attraction toward men.
He may need someone with him who cares for him and whom he can trust. Once he opens up, listen to him and try to understand him without judgment.
He may tell you about how confusing it is for him or how anxious he has been. He may explain to you how he felt when he experimented with the man. These things may help you understand him and put yourself in his shoes. These things may also help you decide what you want to do next.
#3 What does he really want?
What does he want to do next? Just because he experimented with a man once doesn't mean he would do it again. One can be bisexual and still be in a committed, monogamous relationship. But what does he really want to do?
Does he want to be with you and stay loyal to you? Does he want to be with you but also hook up with men? Does he want to be in an open relationship with you as well as others? Does he want to be only sexually involved with others or is he also going to get romantically involved?
Knowing what he truly wants to do may help you come to a conclusion and decide what you want to do.
#4 What does this mean for your relationship?
One thing that you need to discuss with your boyfriend is what this situation means for your relationship. You may not be someone to tolerate cheating, irrespective of the circumstances, and that may mean a breakup. Or you may give him another chance, but is there enough trust left?
Maybe you love him a lot and allow him to explore himself. You turn it into an open relationship. But you had always wanted to be in a monogamous situation. You had dreamt of marrying a man you love, having children with him, and being committed to him for life. If a third party enters the situation, where do you stand? Would you be able to continue, or would you give up and let go?
#5 Your thoughts and feelings
There is no doubt that you are hurting. You are probably hurting in a thousand ways. It is important for you to express what you are feeling - what you want your boyfriend to do, how he has hurt you, what he could have done to make the situation less painful, why you cannot continue the relationship or in case you can, what are your expectations going to be for the future.
State your boundaries and be clear about what is it that you are comfortable with and what is it that you are not comfortable with. Be transparent but be conscious and ensure you do not hurt or blame him. Remember, he is in a difficult position as well.
#6 Safety concerns
If you choose to stay with him while he explores his sexuality with others, the both of you need to take extra precautions.
Having unprotected sex with multiple partners (homosexual or heterosexual) may lead to one or both of you catching STDs, including HIV/AIDS. Using latex condoms properly may reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, but they are not 100% effective.
Do your research or talk to a professional about the situation and the measures you may need to take to ensure you are safe.
To sum up…
I hope this blog provided you with the answers you were looking for. If your boyfriend tells you that he experimented with a man, it is normal for you to panic and feels hurt. But you must calm yourself down and think about everything slowly.
Talk to your boyfriend and try to understand the situation. Try to put yourself in his shoes and consider your feelings. Decide what you want to do next. You may or may not choose to continue being with him. It totally depends on what you want. Whatever the case, make sure to take care of yourself and handle the situation with care.