My Girlfriend is Going Out With Friends Instead of Me (Here's Why)Your girlfriend probably does this because she is more comfortable with her friends than with you. She has fun when she goes out with them. With you, it is all romance and no laughter. She feels free when she spends time with them. Her friends are more like-minded.
Friends are an important part of our lives. We love to spend time with them. However, the situation changes a bit when we get into a relationship. Our partner, too, deserves a part of our time. A healthy relationship thrives when the people in it spend time together.
Your girlfriend can and should go out with her friends. It is her right to do so. You can’t stop her from doing what she likes. That would be a textbook example of toxic behavior, but if she spends all her time with them, you can step up to say something.
“Why would she choose her friends over me all the time? Does she not like me anymore? What should I do next? Do I beg her to go out with me?” If these questions roam your mind, you have reached the right place for the answers.
In this article, I will help you get to the root of your problems by walking you through some of the reasons for her behavior and a few suitable solutions to your problem.
Ten possible reasons why she spends more time with her friends
So many reasons can be there to explain why she does what she does. The commonest of them is that she loves her friends and loves spending time with them. But life is not as easy as this explanation, right?
You will have to delve deep into her mind to find out why she spends more time with her friends instead of you, and I will help you do that. Scroll down to read the list of reasons I have prepared for you.
#1 You were not there for her when she needed you the most
“I’ll be there for you….” ─ is the line that gets repeated in the theme song for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Unfortunately, you have never been there for her at times when she needed you the most. Her friends supported her in every way possible. Do you need any more reasons for her attachment to her friends?
Your physical and emotional unavailability in the relationship has taken her far away from you. There is an abyss of misunderstandings and disappointment between you and your girlfriend.
She hangs out with her friends all the time because she knows your answer. If she says, “Let’s go to the coffee shop downstairs,” you will promptly reply with “No. I am busy.”
#2 Her friends are like her family
Your presence in her life doesn’t matter here. Her friends are like family to her. They have stayed with her since she was a naïve twenty-year-old girl, trying to cope with life in a big city.
The relationship with her friends is not something she will ever jeopardize. Your place is way below in her priority list. She likes you, but you can never take the place of her friends.
In a way, she is like Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Remember the time he broke up with Janine because she did not like his friends? The situation with your girlfriend is similar.
She will go out with her friends. Sometimes she will even ditch plans with you to meet them. If you try to stop her from doing so, she might even break up with you.
#3 She loves hanging out with her friends more than anything
That’s what she loves the most. She loves hanging out with her friends more than anything. Your girlfriend might not be close to all of them, but that doesn’t stop her from spending long hours with them at the local watering hole.
She enjoys their company. With them, she can laugh like there is no tomorrow. They have common interests, and they bond over the weirdest stuff. They have an impeccable sense of humor.
On the other hand, you are more on the serious side. You don’t laugh often. Every time she makes a joke, she needs to explain why it is funny. You don’t have many common interests. She chooses to stay happy, and that’s why instead of going on a grumpy and expensive date with you, she hangs out with her friends at a local coffee shop.
#4 They are more important to her than you
Her friends are important to her. She likes you but not enough to prioritize you over her friends. If they say that they don’t like you, she will break up with you without a second thought.
You guys are not that close yet. It will take much time before you gain a place where you can call yourself nearly as important to her as her friends.
She hangs out with them all the time because that is what she is habituated to doing. Going out on dates with you is not even in her mind. However, she won’t mind if you tag along when she hangs out with her friends.
#5 Her friends don’t like you
Her friends are important to her, and they don’t like you. She hangs out with them all the time instead of you because she can’t lose her friends at any cost. She can, however, gamble on the relationship to keep the friends in her life.
There can be a number of reasons why her friends don’t like you. Some of them are:
- You were rude to them
- You have no sense of humor
- They don’t like how you speak
- You laughed at them
- You got offended by their harmless jokes
- You claimed to know their friend better than them
- You tried to keep them away from your girlfriend
- You said mean things about them behind their back
- They know you cheated on your ex (they are being protective of their friend)
- You give them unnecessary reality checks
You can try to win them over, but I must warn you ─ they can be rigid. However, you cannot stop your girlfriend from meeting them.
#6 You don’t like her friends
She likes you, but she loves her friends. They have been in her life for a long time now. You don’t like them. She always hangs out with them instead of you because she prioritizes them over you. She wants to keep them away from you.
She is afraid that you might end up insulting them with your words once you lose your cool. You, too, are important to her. She wants the best of both worlds. That’s why she never takes you with her when she goes out to meet them.
She knows you will not get along well with them. It is not much of her fault. She has to hang out with them. She can’t skip that at any cost ─ even if it annoys you.
#7 You never go out with her
At the beginning of the relationship, she wanted to go out with you. She wanted to spend her leisure only with you. But you never paid heed to her wishes, and now she has found her happiness in her old group of friends once again.
Your behavior has made her realize the importance of her friends. Now that you are not busy anymore, you want to spend time with her. She is not your porcelain doll. You can’t control her life.
She wanted to spend time with you. You said “no,” repeatedly. She doesn’t expect anything from you anymore. She won’t ever ask you to go out again until you make a big romantic gesture to win her over.
#8 They have a similar mindset
Your girlfriend and her friends think alike. She loves hanging out with them because she never gets bored with the discussions they have. They never run out of topics to talk about. They are like the four friends from The Big Bang Theory. They have their own little world. That space is exclusive to their group. They don’t let in new people (not even the partners).
She is in a relationship with you, but you guys don’t have a lot in common. Often, you run out of topics to talk about. Most of the time you spend with her is full of quiet intimacy.
#9 You have done something to upset her
Did you do something to upset her? If your answer is “yes,” then that is probably the reason why she has been going out with her friends instead of you.
Did you yell at her? Did you call her names? Whatever you have done must have annoyed her to the point where she doesn’t want to be around you anymore.
In her time of distress, her friends have supported her. They are good listeners, and they even advise her to deal with the situation.
Acknowledgment and apology are the way to go if you want her back in your life. If you allow the cold war to continue can become the reason for the end of your relationship with her.
#10 She is not serious about you or this relationship
You are invested in this relationship, but she is not. She hangs out with her friends all the time instead of spending time with you because she doesn’t think it is important. You call it a relationship; she calls it a fling.
She is not serious about you. She just wants someone to go on dates and click pictures for her Instagram. That’s where your purpose ends. She is going to dump you once she finds someone better.
Unlike you, her friends have a meaningful existence in her life. She won’t waste her time with you when she can hang out with them at their favorite haunt.
What to do when she goes out with her friends instead of you?
You need to be a bit more understanding to make her go out with you. By now, you are aware of the role her friends play in her life. They are immensely important to her. If you want to stay in this relationship, you need to steer clear of passing snide comments against them. That’s one of the many things you can do to ensure your place in her good books.
However, the list of solutions to your problem doesn’t end here. I have curated a few more for you. Sit back and read on.
#1 Apologize for not being there for her when she needed you the most
Nothing is better than willingly apologizing for your faults. You were not present when she needed you the most. She turned to her friends for help. She was disappointed by your aloofness. She wants you to realize what you have done.
If you want to keep her in your life ─ if you want this relationship to thrive ─ you should apologize to her. You should mean it when you do that. It cannot be a dry one. She will look right through you if you pretend to say something you don’t mean.
#2 Don’t pass negative comments about her friends
Stop saying mean things about her friends. I know you don’t like them. But you should know how important they are to your girlfriend. Be nice to them, for her sake.
Your behavior might be the reason why they don’t like you. You need to stay calm around them. Certain behavioral traits of your girlfriend’s friends might annoy you, but it is only for the few hours that you hang out with them.
Be polite and don’t say anything that you might regret later. These friends are precious to your girlfriend. She won’t tolerate your rude behavior with them.
#3 Hang out with her friends
You want to spend time with her, but she mostly hangs out with her friends. If you can’t get hold of her, start hanging out with her friends.
It will be a bit weird at first, but that’s the only way you can stay close to your girlfriend. Her friends are not bad people. You might end up enjoying their company. There is nothing wrong with making a new set of friends. It will be good for you and the relationship.
#4 Find out common areas of interest
She hangs out with her friends instead of you because they are more like her. They talk about common interests and never get bored of each other.
With you, the conversations are forced, and she gets tired of pretending that she is interested in talking to you. If you want to be with her, look for common areas of interest that you can talk about.
There must be something that you both like. There is a reason why you are with her, and that reason is close to the common area of interest.
- Find out her favorite movie
- Ask her what TV shows she loves to watch
- Talk about books that you both like
- Talk about your childhood
#5 Ask her if she is serious about this relationship
If you suspect anything, just ask her if she is serious about this relationship. Tell her how you feel. Talk to her about what she thinks about the future. You can ask her, “When you think about the future, what do you see? Am I in it?”
If she says she wanted things to be casual between you two, don’t react erratically. You are an adult; behave like one. She might not be serious about this relationship. Her words might hurt you. You are also allowed to say a few hurtful words, but stay within your limits when you say that.
If you are in search of a serious relationship, talk to her. She will probably say no. When she says that, you should exit her life with dignity and never look back.
#6 Hang out with her more often
You need to hang out with her more often to know her better. She goes out with her friends instead of you because you never had time for her. If you have realized your mistake, rectify it by being available to her more often.
Go out with her before she leaves you at once to be with her friends. You can do the following:
- Get a cozy blanket, switch on the TV, and watch her favorite movie while cuddling
- Cook for her
- Get a pet and take care of it together
- If you are out of ideas, go grocery shopping with her
#7 Plan a vacation
If you want to spend some alone time with your girlfriend, plan a vacation with her. She hangs out with her friends instead of you because you are never there for her. A vacation would be the perfect way to show that you care.
If you don’t have time to go for a long vacation, plan a weekend trip or just an impulsive trip to Vegas. If you have the time and money, go on international holidays.
Before all of that, you should ask her where she wants to go. This will show that her opinion matters to you.
#8 Plan a romantic date (include all that she likes)
Plan a romantic date and include everything she likes in that. Remember that five-minute date from How I Met Your Mother? It was an immensely cute gesture from Ted when he wanted to take Stella out for a date while respecting her busy schedule.
Ted’s gesture is hard to pull off; you can do your own version instead. Here are a few things you can do:
- Cook her favorite dinner
- Wear the outfit she gave you as a Christmas present
- Play her favorite romantic song on the stereo
- Set up the table with scented candles and flowers
- After dinner, you can cuddle up and watch something that you both love.
- Or, you can go for an intimate role-play session
If this seems like too much work, you can always take her to her favorite restaurant.
#9 Apologize for upsetting her
Apologize if you have upset her for any reason. Suppose you are aware of the reason why she is mad at you; half of your work is done. You just need to say sorry and mean it.
However, if you have no clue about what you have done to upset her, politely ask her, “Have I done something to upset you?” You can even ask her friends. She hangs out with them all the time. They must know something about her problems.
#10 Step away from this relationship
If she refuses to come back to you even after all the apologies and romantic gestures, step away from the relationship. She doesn’t want to be with you. There is no reason for you to keep trying when she is not interested in a serious relationship.
Break up with her before she does that to you. Don’t spur a fight. Creating a scene is strongly not recommended when you are trying to leave in peace.
To sum up
It is not a crime if your girlfriend hangs out with her friends too often. She must have her reasons for doing that. However, it is a problem when she doesn’t spend much time with you. That is bound to make you feel unwanted. Relationships do not work like this.
The best way to deal with your situation is to get into her group of friends. If you can’t keep her away from them, be the part of what she loves most. That way, you will get to spend more time with her.