My Boyfriend Doesn't Know How to Comfort Me [Here's Why]You are dating a guy who has never been in a relationship before. You are the first girl in his life, and though he wants to comfort you, he is not aware of the process of doing so. Giving him some time and being patient might help you here.
Young relationship maintenance can be toll-taxing before you level up with confidence and assurance to the next stage. If you are in a young relationship, your boyfriend might take time to understand you before acting in your direction.
The basic norm of relationships dictates that one give their mighty best to their partner. They like to please each other to make it more fulfilling. Do everything in your capacity to make your relationship wholesome, and even if you find your partner hesitating at first, he will soon be comfortable with you.
Reasons why your boyfriend doesn't know how to comfort you
If you make weird gestures to your guy when he tries to comfort you, it might freak him out. If you don't encourage him enough or appreciate his efforts, he will hesitate to do it again. Hence, taking slow steps with sufficient time is the wise thing to do.
Keep reading below to find out more.
#1 He gets nervous
Perhaps you get so overwhelmed by your emotions that your boyfriend is terrified of drawing you closer to comfort you. He feels that you are possessed by something, and in such a state, breaking the ice seems to be an unnerving step for him.
In such a case, try to involve your boyfriend in the process. When you feel low, lay your head on his shoulders. Take his hand into yours and entwine your fingers with his so that he feels one with you. Even if he doesn't get the right words, his company will give you solace.
#2 He likes to give you time to collect yourself
If your boyfriend is unable to relate to the incident that caused you this sorrow, he likes to stay quiet and give you time to gather yourself. Saying nothing is better than saying something that might not sound appropriate. Although you might feel that you are dating a wall, and it can be a turnoff, try to analyze if he remains this quiet on other topics.
#3 He is bad with words
If your boyfriend is not a master of words, he might prefer to avoid using them. A bad use of words might create a permanent bad impression. Ask yourself why you were attracted to him. Was he good at socializing? Has he ever given you the impression that he is a brilliant texter? Are your conversations ever stimulating, or are they mostly narrow and unilateral?
If your boyfriend could never employ the words "craftily" to please or console you, why be shocked about it? You can talk to him and tell him that words aren't the only way to make you feel better. A stroke in the back, a hug, a kiss on the forehead, and a look in the eye to assure you that you are not alone and that he has your back will suffice, too.
#4 He thinks you might break into a fight with him
Your boyfriend might be keeping himself at a distance from you when you are emotional because he fears that you might break into a fight with him. Displaced aggression is very common. To make yourself feel better, you shift the blame to someone else.
If your boyfriend has witnessed you doing this with him or another person, he may have made a vow never to come between your shattered emotions and you at the expense of himself.
#5 He is not an emotional person (insensitive and pragmatic, highly indifferent even with self)
If you are dating an insensitive guy who rates low on the scale of emotional quotient, he might come across as aggressive, and his actions would appear to be rude. His insensitivity and practical nature make him indifferent to you. However, give it some time, and he might soften a bit.
It is only a matter of time till your boyfriend realizes how his words, or lack thereof, and actions are damaging his relationship with you and that he will rush to make amends. Sometimes holding on a bit longer can put you ahead in life.
#6 He doesn't care for you enough
There is a possibility that you are dating a player. One of the most telling signs of a player is their relaxed attitude toward their dates. They don't care enough or at all for the well-being of the ones they are going out with. They only care about getting laid, even if their partner is not mentally at peace.
A player is often too narcissistic to focus their lenses on another. They might be with you merely because you are ready to be with them. They are not looking for solace or companionship. Hence, it doesn't occur to them that their partner might be on the lookout for it.
#7 You are elusive with your emotion (he doesn't get it that you are upset, there is a communication gap)
If you don't open up properly before your boyfriend, that is, if you like to beat about the bush and expect your partner to telepathically read everything that goes on in your mind all day long, you are one of the most deluded and unrealistic people out there who is carrying her heart on her sleeves, ready to be crushed.
It might happen that most of the time, he is not even aware that you are upset. There is a communication gap between both of you. In a case such as this, counseling can prove to be effective. If you have this issue, it will permeate your behavior in all relationships.
#8 You didn't take his words seriously
If your boyfriend is not empathizing with you because he warned you against it, but you did not take his words seriously, it is mighty rude and insensitive of him. His apathy will cause trouble not only in your relationship but also in your mental health. Remember, you are defined by the company you keep.
Don't tolerate anything that is below you. Set your standards. Learn to make ground rules. Start writing a diary, as it will help you to clear your mind regarding what you want and don't want in life. Learn to love yourself before you decide to fall for someone else.
#9 He is a sadist
If you sense a devilish spark on your boyfriend's face every time he watches you cry, you are dating a sadist. He will be bustling with happiness when he sees you sad. He might not even feel bad about being delighted.
Human psychology is a fearful and intriguing subject. You can never know what goes back in a person's mind. The only way to decode someone is to familiarize yourself with the individual. When you spend more and more time with someone, you begin to understand their faults and flaws. It is at that moment that you decide whether to keep them at bay or allow them a free pass in your life.
#10 You're a crying baby (but pretty)
If you persistently keep complaining about situations, scenarios, and circumstances of your life to your boyfriend, he might get antsy with you and decide to throw tantrums rather than calm you down.
Were you ever given the tag of a crying baby back in school? Are you someone who runs to your mother or best friend rather than finding a fix for yourself? If yes, there's no reason to panic now.
We all are vulnerable inside. While some of us find ways to fight it back, others are like climbers appreciating support for growth. If you are a climber, you will become a beautiful grapevine with or without your boyfriend. Have faith in the process, and know that the right guy would love to climb up with you on the journey.
#11 You never show gratitude
If you never utter a word of thanks and think too highly of yourself, it might piss off your guy. While men love to do you favors, they want it to be appreciated and acknowledged. Show him how much his gestures, or the lack of them, mean to you.
Doing things such as bringing in food from his favorite takeaway or his favorite expresso from Starbucks, or planning a movie date by picking up a movie that he would appreciate (such as star wars, marvels, and like) and kissing his cheek to let him know that you are fond of him and appreciate everything that he does from you, from time to time, can help in relationship sustenance.
#12 You brought the damage to yourself
If it is all your doing, to the extent that you, out of habit, always overindulge yourself, that is, you are not a person with boundary maintenance, your boyfriend or any other person, including your parents for that matter, might get weary of the destructive instincts that rule over you so strongly.
Sometimes it is better in life to pause and breathe. To look around and witness everything. It brings you clarity. You learn to see things distinctly. It will keep you happy. Judge your actions and practice introspection, and you can shift the lenses and view the world from a broader perspective.
#13 He doesn't want to overindulge you (or give you false hopes)
Your boyfriend doesn't engage in your overindulgence, for he is a realist and does not want to give you false hopes. A realist pierces through delusions. Overimmersion isn't their cup of tea.
It is only reasonable to have a fair amount of discussion on subjects such as their way of life, their views on politics, their favorite era, and their favorite pastime. It will shed light upon what goes into their making and help you determine your compatibility with them. After all, if you want a companion or a parent, your boyfriend is your call to make.
#14 He has had a tough childhood (strict parents with no sense of empathy)
If a guy were raised by parents who maintained a strict approach towards their kid, the kid would, in most cases, fail to be an empath. If he was brought up in a strict household where nothing was supreme to discipline, he might have a perverted grasp on the notions of rights and wrongs, good and bad.
In such a case, it is usually seen that this kid would grow up to become the same parent he didn't quite appreciate and blamed for being so ruthless. However, his instincts will force him to be a parent and tame his girlfriend. He will serve more as a father figure than someone who wants lightheaded romance.
#15 He likes to manipulate your emotions to control you
If, rather than consoling you, your boyfriend gets mad at you, he is using your emotions and actions to control and manipulate you. You might not realize it in the earlier stage, and however, as time passes by, you will see that he is attempting to reduce you to a puppet
In such a relationship, pay heed to your friend's advice. They would easily see through such a guy's mask and advise you against them. The last thing you want in life is to be someone's plaything.
What to do when your boyfriend doesn't know how to console you?
When someone doesn't know something we know well, we have to enlighten them. You do that when your boyfriend doesn't know how to console you. Educate him on the right steps. It is perfectly okay to share your requirements with your boyfriend. He is not omniscient. However, he would want to be there with you in your times of need.
Keep reading below to discover ways and steps in how to go about educating your boyfriend.
#1 Help him understand
If you feel that there are places when your boyfriend gets outlines and is unable to relate because he comes from a different city or culture or because he does not know much about what events took place in your life before him becoming a part of it, take him on a walkthrough.
Give him insights and briefings, familiarize him with your close circle of friends and family, and invite him home, perhaps. This will have dual benefits. Firstly he would feel at home with you. Secondly, he would get clarity into things and would be able to help you in figuring out things better.
#2 Make suggestions
Suggestions can be both ways and open up new avenues for betterment. It brings up new ideas that can help make the relationship interesting and worthwhile. It is a great habit that fosters long-lasting connectivity.
You can suggest ways you would like to be pleased or consoled. You must encourage him to do the same. Show him that you want everything to be mutual and efforts to happen from both ways.
Tell him about your preferences. If you prefer roses to lilies, coffees to chocolates, cards to messages, tell him about it. Help him in viewing the world from your lenses. Hold his hands in the process.
#3 Lean on his shoulders
If and when you feel broken, even words of encouragement would not do you much good. You would be deaf to most of it. Hence, it is better to rest your head on your boyfriend's shoulders and let silence reign.
Quietude is beautiful. You don't always need to waste words. Moreover, when you feel comfortable in the silence of another, that is the highest form of love. That is the devotion with which a devotee dedicates himself to worshiping the god.
God doesn't ask for it. But there is the faith that he is with you and things will be fine. The faith is enough to keep both of you going. Learn to succumb to the beauty of silence. Peace is supreme.
#4 Don't show him, love
You might want to punish your boyfriend if you are too mad at him for his inability to shower his love and comfort you with his words or gestures. In a case like this, be playful. Devoid him of love for a while. Throw childish tempers and behave like a petulant, if you will.
Your boyfriend won't be left with enough choice but to pet you with the caressing strokes of his arms and whisper secrets about how much you mean to him. Romanticize your anger but do it the right way.
You cannot enjoy companionship if you don't learn to communicate well. A lack of proper communication can cause hindrances in life. It will bring everything to a standstill, a dead end. You don't want to freeze time that way because there are better ways to do it.
Communicate efficiently. You can practice writing letters to your boyfriend, coding your messages in symbols known to him by heart, chucking out the traditional way of speaking out loudly, and adapting new modes of talking.
#6 give demonstrations by citing examples
Help your boyfriend see the right way of going about things and handling his girlfriend's temper. You can do this by either making him watch fairly romantic movies, reading out passages from narratives enveloped with such ideas of gratification, or showing him live examples of your friends who constantly support each other. Once he sees and understands the importance of making others know that you have their back, he won't miss any opportunity to do it.
#7 Take a break
When you feel that you are being used or mistreated above the generally accepted mark, and you might be forcefully trying to run the relationship while the fuel of love and all the sparks of notions are long gone, it is better to go on a break.
A temporary break, such as a weekend away, a girl's night out, or holding onto texts and calls until you meet again, can do good for both of you. If you get restless in the process, it would mean that you love each other with all your heart, but there is a lack of proper communication. However, if you find comfort in their absence, then that might have been the cause of your discomfort in the first place.
#8 Confront him
Confronting can be among the last options, but it isn't that bad an idea. It will give our boyfriend a chance to explain himself before you make your final judgment of continuing or wrapping up things. Remember, even a criminal gets a chance to explain himself and his deeds.
Your boyfriend might have been under some pressure or deadline that has kept him occupied. This might take up so much of his time that he has little stamina left to comfort you when he needs comfort.
Ending things easily is very easy. What needs real effort is to be enthusiastic and lively and want to give your best to work harder to make things better.
#9 Take counseling
Sit through a few counseling sessions when you feel it can prove helpful. The importance of counseling cannot be understated, for it helps you understand what is latent. Sometimes we know we are disturbed, but we don't know what is disturbing us and how to find a problem.
Counseling might prove to be a cakewalk in fixing your problems. It will help you estimate whether your problem is that grave or you like fussing around. It will help you find out more ways with a personal taste to decrease the distance between you and your boyfriend.
Going for the sessions with your boyfriend can be more effective, but even if you do it all by yourself, you will have the upper hand in how you take things.
#10 Gift him books on relationship maintenance
Books are mightier and can help in creating a lasting impression, more so if you are dating a nerd. Imagine Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, who likes to play by the book. He would like and appreciate it when you give him a hand-written letter or a book that describes and defines women's logic in simple terms.
Remember, men find it difficult to understand women. So anything comprehensive on the topic would be much appreciated by them. Books like "The five love languages" and "Hold me Tight" could help greatly.
#11 Ask his friends for help
If you are facing difficulty understanding your boyfriend, you can ask his friends to help you out. If you gel along with them, they can talk to your guy indirectly and help him deal with the scene better.
Guys have a way of helping each other. Their "bro language" can work wonders. You can rely on it. Besides, guys don't talk ill at the back of a person. It makes them trustworthy. They will hear you out and try their best to help you to their ability.
If your boyfriend doesn't know how to comfort you, teach him. This is not the reason for breaking up. It only means he needs your help in figuring things out. Be his guiding light.